Yours Truly Speaking at Baystate Health Women’s Empowerment Summit
Every time I talk about negotiation, I encounter the 3A trap.
What I mean is, someone in the audience invariably describes the 3A Trap — as defined by William Ury in The Power of Positive No — as her experience of negotiating in the workplace.
The 3A’s stand for:
Accommodate: You give in.
You say yes when you don’t want to. You take on the extra workload, but without the recognition or reward. You don’t speak up to address your needs, because you’re afraid of upsetting your boss, your partner, or your colleagues. You accommodate out of fear of losing the validation and approval of others. This is a trap I personally have a lot of experience with.
It’s the path of least resistance when you want to make sure they still like you, even when you hate yourself for having undervalued yourself.
Avoid: You put up walls.
You avoid having the awkward and difficult conversation altogether. It upsets me when other people do this to me. For example, have you ever had an important discussion postponed, only to be postponed again…and again? “Yeah, sure, we can talk about compensation next quarter / next review cycle / next year.” (Might as well be next lifetime!) Or have you ever sat in icy cold silence at the table after a topic of contention was mentioned, only to be ignored?
It can be as convenient to avoid as it is to accommodate. Why brave a difficult conversation, when you can easily hide behind a wall?
Attack: You lash out.
My friend Kara Martin Snyder of Vital Corps Wellness inspires me to live a passionate life spiked with joy. Kara is a health and lifestyle strategist who has a background in startups, finance and pilates. She’s also a gifted writer and inspired speaker who infects me with enthusiasm every time I have the privilege of crossing paths with her.
I’m honored to be featured on Kara’s Project Fabulous Femme. Here’s an quick excerpt:
what do you think modern women should give less of a shit about?
Setting our future selves up for success takes focus, so that means less brain space and resources spent holding ourselves to unattainable and outdated standards of femininity. I’d love to see modern women stop worrying that we’re not thin, quiet, pretty or likable enough.
What is a workspace and what makes it ideal?
For the self-motivated, the workspace is an environment where you find yourself with access to a smart device and high speed internet while you have the drive, focus and creativity to make sh!t happen. Think airports, coffee shops, bathroom stalls and couches. Home and away. Wherever you go, there you are in your portable workspace, planning your work and working your plan.
Yours truly in the middle
Have you ever seen the ABC sitcom, Fresh Off the Boat?
I am an immigrant, or more precisely, a child of immigrants. My parents brought me to America from South Korea when I was eight.
Like in the show, mom once packed me a brown bag of Korean food for lunch. I envied Lunchables other kids unpacked in the cafeteria.
An oldie but a goodie from the treasure trove of anonymous insight, Reddit.
I work for a large multinational tech company, I regularly hire woman for 65% to 75% of what males make. I am sick of it, here is why it happens, and how you can avoid it.
- Don’t be afraid to ask for more, it’s not insulting or in any way going to affect your ability to be hired (we can always say no)
- When you ask for more, give a number! If you let me pick, I will continue to lowball it.
- Ask for raises, confident people get them more often than high performers in a heavy bureaucracy.